Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
