I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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