So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
