I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
