I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The Olympian is in my bed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize