Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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