I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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