Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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