In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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