Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
