Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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