i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
