I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize