We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
