Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
