I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
