Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
