so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
