We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
