he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
do herpes really smell.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
