I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
