I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
