Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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