Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
