she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
