Where is the hickey?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
