So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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