im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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