The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
