My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
