I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
