I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
