I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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