your parents love me but you hate me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
