we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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