you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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