So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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