Pants 0. Shit 1.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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