and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My vagina is officially offended.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
