There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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