mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
