I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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