do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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