Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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