I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
