I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
