My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
