We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
