sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
