I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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