OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
