hotel room ftw
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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