I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
