I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize