i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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