Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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