Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
