Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We are all done wearing pants today
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
