That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The air was thick with penises
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
