just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
